Thanksgiving Leftovers

One of the best parts about Thanksgiving is the leftovers. But when you drive across state and eat a huge feast with your family of 38 leftovers aren't really a part of the deal.

Today I'm cooking our Thanksgiving leftovers meal. The Turkey breast has been in the crockpot for a few hours. The house smells wonderful The pumpkin cheesecake is in the oven. The sweet potato russet potato mashed potatoes are in the works (very chunky by the way... we don't go for the sloppy instant stuff). Soon I'll be mixing up the stuffing and green bean casserole. The no butter added sweet corn will be last as it's a 5 minute deal. Whala, leftover feast!!! And at least three days of actual leftovers, hooray!!! Oh, I almost forgot about the corn bread muffins that will go in the oven once the cheesecake comes out. I bought a cheap box of the Jiffy kind for I think 10 cents. Yet, they're so yummy.

Something I'm ridiculously excited about is that virtually every ingredient for the entire dinner was on sale. (and I stocked up on them all over the past three weeks) This little Thanksgiving Second Round feast was VERY inexpensive!

It may be at least mildly pathetic but one of the truly wonderful things about life that adds a bit of joy to almost every day is food.

Pronounciation

AHHHH, I found the coolest website!

www.forvo.com

My oh my, am I going to have fun with my Irish studies today   : )

This and That

I didn't get too much accomplished during September concerning Ireland Geography month. I memorized the counties in Ulster and Connaght, although I didn't look up pronunciation for any of them. This month I'd like to finish memorizing the rest of the counties. I'd also like to learn some of the waterways, lakes, mountains and such. Despite the slow going I'm happy with the little progress. At least now if I read about something in Donegal (which I desperately want to visit now... we didn't go that far north when we were in Ireland) or Sligo, I actually know where abouts in Ireland it's referring to.

In other news I plan to BAKE a pie this month. I know I have HUGE goals and aspirations. Really though I'll be quite happy if I manage to bake one pie in October. Additional aspirations include all things artsy. I'd like to make a few (or at least one) Christmas gift this month, draw something, sew something, and knock out the three photo shoots I've got pileing up due to fatigue and uncooperative weather.

Tis all for now.

Ulster Geography Week

I'm SOOOOO happy to be reading again. I've only read little bits at a time but there's been bits of reading each day and it's exhilarating. I LOVE learning which I find to be very odd. When I was in school learning was in no way shape or form intriguing to me. I think at the time I was much more interested in learning about life: how to react to people and situations, how to stand up for myself, exert myself, be myself. I'm me now and I want to know everything there is to know about the world. When I was in school I couldn't have cared less about all those little facts.

I've come up with a mnemonic device to memorize the counties in Ulster: FLAT DAD C.M. My father's initials are C.M. so it works quite well. Actually, I've them down now (I'm quite awful at memorizing, which makes my desire to become an expert in all things Irish even more silly). I do still need to look up pronunciation though. I'm probably saying every single one of them incorrectly. I've started adding to my memorization list little things about each of the Flat Dad CM counties. So far I've chalked up a list and memorized bits about the three NOT in Northern Ireland. I desperately want to go to Donegal now AND I remember why I stopped reading about Ireland in the first place.

I've noticed that with most people (here in America) who've Irish heritage there's this pull towards Ireland. I'm an all American mutt and there's a lot of blood in here but I've always loved the idea of Ireland. I've always felt a connection, felt a little bit Irish, and longed to visit. I know a lot of people with a bit of Ireland in their blood feel the same way. Since my trip to Ireland several years back I want to return more than I had even wanted to go in the first place. Now that I've started reading about the emerald Isle and studying again my heart throbs to be there.

Well, off to work.

Ireland Geography Month and Pies

I went to the library (and paid enough of my fines to be able to get books). YAY!

I've decided to declare September Ireland Geography month. I'm going to study the landscape, try and memorize names of places, counties, rivers, lakes and such. I've found the most difficult obstacle I face in learning about anything Irish is not knowing how to correctly pronounce anything. If I'm going to learn about this and that I want to know that I'm saying/ memorizing it correctly. Dilema.

Trim Castle, County Meath, Ireland

Additionally I decided a few days ago that I need to make/ eat more pies. I'm pretty sure I've baked ONE actual pie in my life. I remember having to borrow a pie pan from my husbands aunt because I don't own one. I made the crust from scratch. It may have been an apple pie however it might have been pecan. Maybe I've baked two pies. I need to remedy this sad pie story. I checked out an "icebox pies" book from the library today. I have made quite a few no bake, pudding, ice cream pies in my time but as I've just decided that pies need to take more precedence in my life I'm going to see the summer out with a new icebox pie recipe.

Daydreaming of Nonsense

I've always thought it'd be really cool to become an expert in something that I've no specific use for. Like a wine expert, which would be hilarious and probably impossible since I don't drink, but at the same time it'd make the venture all the more quirky. Or a fire arms expert. I'm never going to shoot anyone or anything for that matter but you have to admit it'd be fun.

This year I've been fully operating in robot mode. I've taken little time to notice life happening all around me. The past 8 months have just sort of happened. I've hardly read. I've hardly crafted. My house kind of looks like there was an explosion of sorts. Maybe I should become an expert in organizing, wait NO, that'd be totally practical.

So, the past few days I've been trying to shake the funk and the top two things on my list of stuff that I MUST do in order to be me, in order to live and breathe and take life by the horns are: 1. READ!!! By golly I'm gonna suck it up and pay the library fees! It's sad but this little obstacle is truly the reason I've not been reading this year.

AND 2. become an expert in something really random.
I'm thinking I could continue me study of all things Irish. Honestly there's no value in it but I've such a passion for it and I've already begun.
I'm also thinking cheese. How neat would it be to be a cheese expert? I bet you could accomplish a feat like that in under two years. Unfortunately I think it'd be expensive. I'd be insistent on trying all the different cheeses of course. Oh how I do love cheese and sadly I feel I'm very uneducated on the subject.
I'm also considering plants. However I'm already overwhelmed just at the thought of it. I'd really like to know the names of all the vegetation growing in the fields and woods of Michigan; know if they're edible, poisonous, perennial, annual; what could they be used for, how long have they been here, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I'd really like to be a bit more woodsy. I do LOVE the great outdoors.

Any suggestions or comments on the above three possible ventures???

I'm nothing if not a daydreamer.

Untitled (how's that for creative)

I feel badly about neglecting this blog. I miss writing about life. Point proven... it's really difficult to live; to be focused and determined; to daily BE! Ok, at least for me it is. I've always thought of myself as a really great multi-tasker. I think I'm ready to relinquish that title.

Saturday Joy

Sometimes there's so much joy in simple things, okay and delicious things. Today started with strawberry pancakes and hot coffee filling my tummy and worship music filling the house. There's a strong breeze in the warm sunny air today and it's been whooshing through the leaves on the trees all morning. While attempting to clean the kitchen I opened the widow so that I could hear the music in the wind. It's fantastic. Deedee perched herself on the window sill to watch for birds and to sun bathe. Seeing my kitty lounging happily in the window in all her beauty and splendor and joy warms my heart. The sight is a fine accompaniment for the sporadic cleaning I've been struggling to accomplish.

In between odd cleaning (I wiped down the litter box and the boot tray we keep it on, cleaned off the kitchen garbage can, swept a portion of the floor (yes just part of it as of yet), magic erasered one wall and the edge of the fridge, and washed dishes of course... I clean the same way I used to complete home work (2 weeks late as a rule)) I've been retreating to blogger and washing laundry all morning. I've been hanging the laundry on the line in the backyard and I have to tell you there's something about not using the dryer and having towels wafting in the breeze in the backyard that makes me a bit giddy. I feel a sense of accomplishment and a bit of pride for going that little extra step to save money on energy costs and do my eensy weesny part to conserve fossil fuels. It may be crazy but having the clothes on the line in back makes me feel a little connection to the past, to a simpler life (not easier but much simpler) and I revel in it.

Today's been splendid, the 5 hours of it that I've been awake. I love the bits of time when the simple things jump out at me, grab my attention and remind me that life is a grand adventure to be lived.

Breath of Fresh Summery Air

Been listening to worship music pretty non-stop for the past two days. WOwwy I was empty. I really feel like I've been filled back up. Also, had GREAT prayer time this morning. Hate to admit it but I don't remember the last time that happened. 

Why, why, why, why do I neglect spiritual food when it's so absolutely essential to LIFE!

SING to Him, sing psalms to Him; Talk of all His wondrous works! GLORY in His holy name; Let the hearts of those REJOICE who seek the LORD! SEEK the LORD and His strength; Seek His face evermore! REMEMBER His marvelous works which He has done, His wonders, and the judgments of His mouth... Ps. 105:2-5

Pretty good advice if you ask me...

May 21, 2011

I've a lot to say on this subject and I've not organized my thoughts... here goes:

I prayed for those people who believed so adamantly that the world would end that day. They sold their belongings and spent their life savings on ad campaigns to get the word out. They spent months traveling the world to warn of it's end and destruction. They canceled their life insurance policies, gave away their pets (to the non-believers). These people were hard core. Like my sister said, anytime someone declares a date that the world will end it's pretty much a given that it's NOT going to end that day. That one specific day is like a get out of jail free card... go ahead, live it up, Jesus is not gonna come back that day and He didn't. It's sad, those people believed with everything they had. Everyone's made fun of them but could you even begin to imagine the heartbreak of being that wrong!?!?

This should probably be a second blog but I'll be brief. I'm sitting here asking God, how could all those people who were apparently hoping on You be so misled? How did that happen; how does that happen? I KNOW that God is real. I'm SURE that Jesus is coming but so were they... So, quick answer: the devil, the deceiver, the one who lies as an occupation, if he's able to pull off a stunt like this, he's able to make Jesus' return look like a joke. And well, he did it. That's the gist of it. The devil is a jerk. (what lies does he have you believing???)

Now down to my point. Those people were wrong. We all knew they were. They didn't know but we did. Everything they were believing was contrary to scripture despite what that crazy man was telling them. But the question I keep asking myself despite their foolishness and insanity is, "am I as faithful, as devoted, as passionate, as crazy for God, for Jesus, for righteousness as they were?" I'm pretty sure those fools have one up on me. I'm not living like today's my last. I'm not really telling anyone about Christ or God... not really. I try and be good. I try and live according to scripture (sort of in my own twisted way... after all scripture says to sell all you have go into the highways and the hedges and compel them to come; I'm not doing that... I sort of left that up to the crazy people now didn't I).

I'd just like to say unless you're sharing Christ and the living word, the living water with the world, the whole world and devoting everything you have to HIS cause then please don't make fun of the people who (quite foolishly) tried. Pray for them... I can't even imagine what it was like for them when He didn't return. BUT He is returning... probably not on October 21st though... oops, he did it again.

Wow, we've a long way to go. Thank God for Jesus, for redemption, for LIFE!

Welcome to Friday

I arrived at work 30 minutes early today. (I'm usually 30 minutes late (at least 15 anyway)) I was so proud of myself until I realized I had left something essential for one of my projects at home. "Yay, I got to work 30 minutes early and now I get to drive 40 minutes home and back!" Half way home I realized that I also left my handheld computer at the house which is crazy because it's impossible for me to work without it. Literally impossible I have to clock in, record all of my work, and clock out with the thing. So I get home and realize I also left my name tag, my water bottle, another part of my uniform; oh how the list goes on. Then I realized that I never sent my work in from last night. So here I sit at home, instead of at work 30 minutes early, typing a pleasant Friday morning blog while my work from yesterday syncs with the office. Wow, what a start to a holiday weekend. Today instead of remembering to live I think I just need to remember the tiny little essentials.

But you know what, I don't even care and I'm just gonna keep meditating on whatever is lovely!!! That's my story.

Happy Friday to you folks!!!

It's Really not so bad

I drove past my old house yesterday. Actually the pit of house that smelled horrendous, had caving in ceilings, awful matted down, stained, ruined carpet and NEVER felt like home to me is gone. The people who bought the foreclosed on horrible wreck tore it down and created the horse pasture and stables that my mom always dreamed of having when she bought that property. I hated living there. I hated almost every moment of that time period of my life. High school was horrible for me. Home life was pretty unbearable. I spent a good 10 years of my life feeling homeless, feeling like I didn't belong anywhere and just dreaming (quite blindly) of a day when I would have a home.

Funny thing though I drove past the old property and the bad parts that seemed to consume me during that time of my life were't the memories that surfaced. Instead I looked at the horses grazing where our house used to be and I remembered the glorious smell of fresh cut grass, the hot dry dust that would cling to my skin as I'd sit on the tractor mowing for hours on our 2 acres of land; the feeling of accomplishment and pride and pure joy that I always received from a job well done after mowing our emense lawn (consisting of basically all weeds). I remembered tackling the wild black berry briers in the back field where I'd escape life and sing and pray and be alone in an almost secret garden of my very own. That feild is one of the only places I found sanctuary during that time. As I drove past the old property I remembered everything good that happened there. The bad things really didn't jump out to haunt me.

I passed by the old place with a small smile and continued on to my destination. I drove the same route I'd taken to school every single day for 4 years. I HATED school, despised every moment of it, and skipped alot of it. I drove that path over and over and over again as if I were stuck in a never ending prison. Life during high school seemed like it would never go anywhere. I was so trapped and miserable. I never imagined that there would actually be a day when I'd no longer have to drive that God forsaken path again. Well, I've avoided that path for almost 13 years. I broke free from it's clutches. It has no power over me. Funny thing though, I drove it yesterday and yes, I really could only remember the good moments. Moments after school had let out, moments with the windows down, the music blaring and really good friends riding along the old country roads with me. I remembered the beauty of those untamed pathways, headlights shining on the long uncut vegetation reaching out over the edges of the gravel shoulder, bugs by the thousands sparkling in the gleaming headlight beams on dark nights, and the stars, the magnificent blanket of never ending stars that you really only saw when you were out there in the country away from the city lights. There were good times there along that path I used to despise so adamantly.

I have to giggle a tiny bit now. I know that I was miserable for years while living in that prison. But I returned for a brief moment and the only memories that really stood out were the beautiful ones. I guess what I realized during that little trip down memory lane is that no matter how awful things may seem there really is beauty in the ashes. It's really not so bad. Life is actually pretty great when you stop and look at the millions of magnificent tiny little things that it has to offer.

Day 329

Not to move forward, to stay where we are, to regress, in other words to rely on what we have, is very tempting, for what we have, we know; we can hold onto it, feel secure in it. We fear, and consequently avoid, taking a step into the unknown, the uncertain; for, indeed, while the step may not appear risky to us after we have taken it, before we take that step the new aspects beyond it appear very risky, and hence frightening. Only the old, the tried, is safe; or so it seems. Every new step contains the danger of failure, and that is one of the reasons people are so afraid of freedom. -- Erich Fromm

Who are you

He sat in the mid-evil dark velvet upholstered high back chair serious and somber. Possibly 19 years of age the ruffian was dressed in a long sleeve black Marylin Manson shirt with studded bracelets wrapped around the cuffs near his wrists. He wore loose pitch black pants and dirty white canvas shoes with red laces and sketches of skulls covering the entirety of their surface. His glowing blonde hair owning a little wave and falling just past his shoulders was in stark contrast to his dark covering, deathly fascination, and the grizzly beard that covered the lower portion of his face. I must admit that the shiny blonde locks weren't the part of the picture that made me giggle as I sat next to this individual at a rock concert last evening. He was clearly trying to be someone dark and mysterious. His hair made the initial announcement that he was failing at his mission but the true giveaway, the thing that made me giggle and which inspired this blog was the bright purple bag of tropical fruit skittles that he sat gleefully munching on for the first 3 songs of the show. It just wasn't right. You can't be goth or dark or whatever you'd call it and and eat tropical skittles without abandon at a rock show. You just can't do it.

I'm making a list

1.) I NEED to read. Reading makes me happy and keeps my brain going. I NEED to read!!!

2.) I want to do yard work this week. I'm always so uplifted from being outdoors. I love working in the yard, getting dirt in my finger prints and experiencing the fragrances of nature.

3.) Prayer. I've decided that it would be ideal to set aside a specific time for prayer each day. The funny thing about time with God is that it calms me down, sets me at peace, allows me to breath normally again and I'm happiest when I pray but when I'm horribly unhappy I neglect it altogether.

4.) I'd like more than anything I can think of (except that whole being a mom thing) to stop complaining. That normal daily, "I'm so bored... I'm tired... why'd you do that... whine whine whine" complaining seems to be all that I've got lately and it's got to stop! I'm pretty sure it's poisonous.

So there are about 28 million more things I could add to this list but I'm going to work on these 4 this week.

Pondering the Process

This blog cracks me up because everytime I open it I read the introduction "Often times I notice my life becoming systematic and robotic. During these times I exist but I forget to live," and despite the hopeful attempts to alter this reality those two sentances perfectly describe the first 3 months of this year for me. How is it April? Where has time gone? Where have I been?

I'm trying to put aside being angry with myself in hopes of starting a new day, in hopes of "turning over a leaf of simplicity" and remembering to LIVE my life. But I am mad at myself for neglecting time AND I'm fearful that despite my hopes of betterment I'll just continue wearing this tin man suit.

I've thought long and hard about this rut that I'm in. I tend to over analyze EVERYTHING. I suppose that's one of the big downers in my life itself. I'm just going to put it out there. I am emotionally drained. When Jesse and I got married we planned to wait about three years before having kids. Somewhere during those three years he began an on going joke that we were going to wait seven years before having kids. It was a joke but seven years has come and gone. At some point in time during those seven years I had a good long sit down with God. I received an intense amount of peace knowing that God's timing is perfect AND that as long as my husband is adamantly not ready to have children then it's not God's timing. That beautiful peace went with me for years but somewhere along the way recently I lost it. There are babies everywhere. I'm not what you would call young anymore. Jesse seems more against having kids at this point in time then he's ever been and he no longer has valid reasons for his stubborn mindset. You don't know what it's like until you've been there but the truth is that everything hurts and at random times tears just start to build up in my eyes. I never wanted to be a teacher like most little girls. I never wanted to be a doctor or a dancer or an actress. I'm pretty sure the only thing I've always wanted to be was a mom. The hardest thing about the situation is that I'm one of the only people I know who's not.

I'm not asking for pity, or judgement against my other half. I'm probably being a bit to open about the situation but here's my point: As I was driving the other day and just sort of venting to God which let out a good bit of tears and made me feel yucky at the same time I felt very strongly that I'd stopped relying on Him. I talked with Him about it but I haven't put the ball back in His court yet. I know this because I'm still hurting really badly. I'm still REALLY emotionally drained to the point of robotic existence, the point when life loses flavor and you have to force yourself to notice the sunrises and blue skies in order to notice them at all. I read through last years blog and have to wonder where that person went. I don't feel like her at all. I mean she struggled a lot but was so alive. I don't feel alive really.

I know a few things as fact. God's timing is perfect and if we wait on Him things'll be way better than if we don't. God's timing is NOT our timing. Life is but a breath, gone in the blink of an eye and yet a day is as a thousand years with God. For a long time I've been judgmental towards the masses for not grabbing the bull by the horns. It's going to sound a little crazy but I've always been able to see things about people, who they truly are, the potential that lies deep within them, gifts and talents and such that they don't even fully realize. It's like I can sort of see farther down the path then they can. But I've been really good at getting mad at people for not making their way down the path, NOW! You know that trademark, "Just do it," that's sort of my mantra and I don't understand why people insist on dilly dallying. (wow spell check did not flag that one)

To my most faithful blog readers:

Starr: I love where you're at with God... waiting on Him, hoping in Him, sitting at His feet just like Mary even though you're naturally a Martha McRae. I know that God's positioned himself directly in front of you like the pillar of cloud by day and the pillar of fire by night just like the Israelites followed. I know that you're following Him blindly with no concrete hope in sight with the possibility of walking directly off a cliff at any moment because you just can't see through the cloud thats directly in front of you. It's frustrating and it looks just like a desert and there's seemingly no end in "sight." But He is leading you to the promise land down the perfect path and vanquishing all your foes before you ever see them. As you know God is faithful and wonderful and as long as you keep following the pillar (despite the frustrating blindness) He'll keep leading you down that perfect path. He'll keep communing with you and causing your face to shine like Moses' shone. And people all along the way will see, and will be impacted, and life will be as it should be without all the detours and pitfalls and wanderings away. I believe you are doing just as the Israelites should have done. Well done little star.

Jessica: You're a tremendously good teacher. With the increasingly deteriorating educational system that we're apparently facing it'd be a blessing to hundreds of lives and to the educational system itself for you to acquire a full time teaching job. I know it's your dream and it doesn't make a ton of sense that you've yet to land the position and I know it's belittling to see all the others who've been accepted while you're still trucking away with the migrant kids. But I praise the Lord that you follow Him, that you know His way is perfect and that you willingly submit to His way despite how odd it may seem at times. I'm certain that you're in the perfect place. I see so many teacher moms who take their kids to daycare for tremendous lengths of time 5 days a week. Those moms are great and they love their kids but they're also missing out on the amazing things that you do with your girls every single day. Your children are going to be superiorly special because of the time that you've spent with them while not being a "full time" teacher. I believe you know this but I just had to say it. Additionally it's funny how God works. There might be one migrant kid, just one who's life you NEED to be a part of. For such a time as this and for just one this might be perfect timing. I don't know if we'll ever know God's reasons for certain things but just think you might be drastically changing a life that otherwise would have suffered beyond comprehension. I commend you for a job well done.

Amy: Not that it matters all that much but I'd hoped, Hoped, HOPED that you wouldn't give up the goal of Africa this year. For me it was one of those "bull by the horn," "just do it," moments in life. Usually when people say, "I prayed about it and... I'm not going," usually I don't buy it. This time's different. I believe you. I commend you for doing what God has asked of you. I commend you for going where he's called and for being where He's placed you. Rushing into something that we're not really supposed to be into is absolutely as bad as ignoring God's plan and not going. I like where you're at.

David: You're ok. I already said it once but I am proud of you for going out and doing what you said you wanted to do. And as for your stir craziness just get at God's feet. Read. Pray. Listen. Worship. Listen. You're ok. He's got you in the palm of His hand. You are fearfully and wonderfully made and when your Heavenly Father looks down upon you He sees perfection. He doesn't see a little boy. He see's the son of the King of Kings and Lord of Lords.

As for me: Have it your way right away is obviously NOT God's way. Lord I am willing to trust in you!!! I want to follow you. And as easy as it would be to just do it my way.... long pause..... I don't want it my way cause I know my way is flawed and filled with imperfection. Thank-you for my husband who I love and adore and would be absolutely incomplete without and thank-you for blessing us. And Lord please help me to know peace and to start living again.

Amen.

I sometimes think all the other trees are jealous of the birches

Yesterday there was a funeral. It was like funerals are: sad and thought provoking. I got home, felt quite nauseous, tired, depressed, a little angry and unmotivated. A thought crossed my mind that a nice long walk would be good. Then a thought crossed my mind that sleep would be so much better. I've been sleeping WAY to much lately. I was drawn mostly to sleep but I made a conscious decision to do the opposite of what every part of me was shouting for and to instead do what that little tiny voice in my heart was speaking. I put on my walking shoes and (what I thought to be) warm clothes and I headed out.

At first there was so much going on in my mind that it was difficult even to think. I mean my thoughts were difficult even for me to follow. My stomach hurt. I'd tension everywhere. I was angry at death and burdened by life. And then I heard the birds. They were singing their songs perched upon twigs and branches all along the pathway I followed. I decided that I would focus on the world surrounding me and that I would pause for a moment from my crazy thoughts just to look and to listen. I noticed spectacular trees some with awesome twisted trunks from decades of strong beach winds (I've seen them many times before and I'm in love with them). Some with incredible bark strewn with texture and color too numerous to speak of. There are so many amazing things in this world that we'll never notice unless we consciously look. I listened to squirrels rustling through blankets of leaves on the forest floor. I heard my shoes making music on gravel, snow, leaves (my favorite is the sound of walking on helicopters). I smiled as I always do at the birch trees and their white clothing. I sometimes think all the other trees are jealous of the birches. And then I arrived at the lake. It peeked up over the grassy dune and I smiled and I truly believe audibly announced, "Hello old friend!" Yes, I am a freak and I do speak out loud to things like Lake Michigan. I am always ALWAYS comforted by simply viewing the lake. Walking alongside the breath taking immense body of water, yesterday smooth and calm with a blanket of sparkles in the middle where the sun was reflecting on tiny rustles I felt peace that I've been missing for a long time.

Viewing the lake, being there in it's presence, feeling the wind upon my skin, smelling the beach, gazing upon the trees and listening to the sounds of woodland creatures going about their business... I remember at one point even looking upon a piece of trash (there was a lot of junk everywhere) and thinking, "why is everything so difficult for me? Life is truly TRULY so spectacular and fragile. Every last moment should be cherished not wasted."

Today I decided to do the opposite as well. I woke up with my puppies at 4:30 am on the dot. I fed the starving  animals and let them outside and then I had to make the dreaded decision: be alive, face life, begin the day OR return to sleep. Everything within me was calling for sleep (which I in no way need more of) but I summoned up a bit of strength and declared that I would indeed listen to that tiny voice in my heart once more, I would in fact begin the day. I sat down with a book (as I've been sadly neglecting reading lately) and relished the morning moments that I do truly love but have been avoiding. I do want to live.

Sea shells

I spent one hour outside yesterday and I feel so revived. My neck hurts really badly from raking but I want to do it again today. It was so wonderful to breath the fresh air, clean up the front flower beds, get dirt under my nails and in my finger prints again. I'm happy that my muscles are a little sore from being used again. I loved smelling the grass and leaves and pine and sap. The sun shone on my face for the whole hour and being out doors was absolutely invigorating.

Right before I came inside after I put away all the yard tools and dragged the yard waste can back to the garage I decided to sweep up the broken stucco that's been collecting along the driveway at the foundation of the house. The broken bits of stucco sounded just like breaking sea shells. (I'm not entirely sure how I know what breaking sea shells sound like but the stucco sounded exactly like sea shells) It was one of the most beautiful sounds I've heard. I swept the stucco from the front of the house to the back and onto a shovel to transfer to the trash all the while listening to the sound of crackling sea shells... music, natural, wonderful, beautiful music twinkling all the while.

I'm glad I decided to sweep up the stucco before going inside.

Hybernation

I'm pretty sure I've been hibernating for the past few months at least. This year is flying by and I don't remember it happening. I've totally been operating in robot mode. It sucks but I've found that at least for me it takes alot of effort to live. I mean to consciously be increasing, experiencing life and to be effected by the world around me. It takes a lot of effort.

I haven't blogged for a month. I haven't really experienced life apart from work, sleep, and grouchiness for a month. I have been putting all my energy into fighting; fighting food addiction and money irresponsibility but I feel that there should at least be a little bit of energy left for living life.

I feel compelled to list the few observations that have sparked life in me over the past couple of days.

1. A box danced in an open truck bed. The truck drove down the highway at speeds of 75mph. The empty little box jumped up and twirled catching a brief glimpse of the world surrounding. Then fell back into the confinement. Again it jumped, danced, fell. Again. And again. I watched, delighted by it's playfulness and the fact that it didn't fly out of the truck during it's bursts into the open air. The game continued for several minutes until I realized that at any moment the box could in fact come flying at me. Sadly as soon as I came to this realization the box did too. It made one last leep and flew from it's home. The little guy landed smack dab in the middle of the highway and sat there, motionless, alone, but free. I enjoyed the spectacle and then felt bad for the lost box. I hate how I have such emotion for motionless things. But for some reason that little episode delighted me (until it's harshly realistic culmination).

2. I saw a man with a HUGE nose at meijer. He was almost tall, maybe 60ish years of age with brown hair (probably dyed), and more on the skinny side than anything, kind of lanky. His nose was enormous and I loved it. I thought to myself if I was that man I'd be so proud of my nose. I looked at him, smiled immensely. The smile filled all of me. I love those smiles, the ones that take over your entire self, when you're no longer smiling simply with your face but with your whole entire being. It wasn't a laughter, haha funny smile. It was a smile of pure joy. I wish you could have seen that man with that nose. It wasn't even awkward. It was huge and so him. Like he would have been an entirely different person without that nose. He needed that nose to be who he is. Then I realized his childhood must have been hell. He probably hates his nose. Or maybe the fact that I took one look at him and loved his nose meant the total opposite, maybe he loves his nose. Maybe if he didn't love his nose as much as he does I wouldn't have been so enraptured and delighted by it.

3. One day I was working and there were these sporadic little circles of old people stopped all over the store conversing and visiting and enjoying each other. It was a little odd. Like a planned event, even though it was nothing of the sort. Normally groups of 4 or more people just standing there talking taking up the aisle would annoy me but that day it was neat seeing all those different groups of old folks enjoying each others company. I liked it.

4. I love St. Patricks Day. For the past three years (at least) I've read a book called "St. Patrick of Ireland" by Philip Freeman every St. Patricks week. I'm currently reading it again. This year I decided I needed a St. Patricks Day mix tape (on CD of course). I woke up at 4am put on my emeraldyest green shirt and made my mix tape and listened to it all day, all 24 songs 3 times each. It was fabulous!

And so despite my recent state of hybernation and glumyness there have been a few moments of life. Today I think I'm going to rake the leaves in the front yard. I LOVE being outdoors and I really like yard work. So I'll just make that number 5 on the list.

LONG Cold Winter

I've been putting this off because there are too many words and I haven't a proper order for them all to go. However I NEED to write. So please bare with me.

I'm in this very particular season and it's looking to be a VERY long one rather like a really long harsh cold winter that you know will end, it has to end but in the mean time there's nothing you can do about it but survive, make the most of it, just keep waking up and facing the cold dark days.

I want it to be spring (spiritually speaking). I want to go to Guatemala and pray... oh how I dream of strolling along flower mountain and praying. I want to breath in the ashy aroma, look upon the beautiful faces, speak broken Spanish, build homes and hand out food. I want to be there with the people. I want to LIVE, to have a purpose, to feel alive.

I'd also REALLY like to add a little one to our family. It hurts, it shouldn't, but it really REALLY hurts every time I hear the news of blessing in other people's families. That blessing seems so far off for me. I mean light years away and it hurts in a way I can't put words to. I really just want to sleep, to hibernate through the winter until it's my time.

I know what time it is. It's time to put down stronger roots. It's time to grow. It's time to be responsible and hard working, to look forward with joyful anticipation to those blessings TO COME. But it's not time right now to realize the blessing. I'm not just being negative. I know this. I'm in a season, a cold wintry season of paying off debt. This is a season of growing up and taking responsibly for my life. This is a season of doing whats right even though it's not fun. God is on my side. He's directing me and giving me the strength to progress through the battle but this season sucks. I don't like it. I don't want to be in the trenches. I want to be where the victory is, where the spoils are, where there is rejoicing and joy is tangible.

Lately I've been sleeping, ALOT! I haven't wanted to do anything. I wake up, I make money, I try not to spend money and I pay bills and debt. That's what needs to be done right now. I can't travel. I can't fix up the home. I can't bring a little one into this world with no money to support it. I can't really even justify spending money to socialize. There is an end to this madness... far off in the distance, but in the meantime I'm having a very difficult time handling the cold and the dark. I just don't want to... yeah, I don't want to ANYTHING.

I was praying. I said God what is wrong with me? What do I do? AHHHHH!!! He says, make the most of the season you're in. Enjoy the beauty of the snow. Sip hot cocoa and snuggle in blankets. Marvel when the cloud covering breaks for a moment at the beauty of the sunny sky or the sparkling of the magnificent stars. (this is all metaphorically speaking... but I think you get the point). It's been about 4 days since we had this conversation. I'm still bumming around but I know that I need to break out of this ungrateful funk. I know that I need to grab life by the horns and live. If it's winter, there's nothing you can do about it except sulk and whine OR just enjoy it. It's your choice. It's my choice. I'm so sick of being tired, cold, and feeling trapped. But my winter isn't ending anytime soon. I think I'm going to get some hot cocoa.

The Battle Rages On

I decided to take a temporary news radio hiatus. I decided to take time out and pray. I decided to draw nearer to God and to quit being foolish, lazy, and regressive. The first few days were great, refreshing, uplifting even. Then came hardship.

The past few days I've been feeling like the world is collapsing all around me. I have no will power. I'm emotionally drained. I'm physically drained. I want to do nothing but eat and sleep. I feel like I'm wearing a suit much resembling what an astronaut wears but it's made entirely of depression. Today I did not pray. I did listen to news radio. I ate sugar (way too much sugar). I drank caffeine for the third day in a row! I haven't done any form of exercise. I can't stop thinking about consuming junk. I feel like the biggest loser (not in a good way) that I could possibly succumb to being. Right now it seems that killing someone wouldn't pull me any lower than I currently am.

I know you've heard this all before. I do however have more to add. I was sulking a few minutes ago, feeling all of the above loserness and I heard a little voice say that "it's all just part of the cleansing." WHAT!!!

I'm the one who decided that I had started walking the wrong way. I was slowly wandering away from God. I began embarking upon this path of selfishness. So then I said, "wait... idiot... fool... you need to turn yourself around and get back on track." That sounds all hunky dory peachy kean but apparently getting back on track takes some work. Every time I try and draw nearer to God my flesh pulls with 5 times more might in the other direction. As I mentioned I was wondering to myself why I've been SOOOOO miserable and I realized a few things. One: the devil does not want me to draw near to God. He's gonna do anything in his power to keep me from getting back on track. Two: Drawing closer to God means relying on God. When I "need" sugar all I really need is God. His grace is sufficient. When I have to have caffeine all I really need is God. His grace is sufficient. When I'm exhausted and drained and just can't go on all I really need is God. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I'm not going to blame God for this awful fleshy battle that I'm failing miserably at right now but I have just realized that there are only two ways through it. I can rely on all those things that I adamantly do not want to be apart of my life (sugar, caffeine, retreating to sleep) or I can rely on God. His grace is sufficient!

Now that I've figured all that out: LOOK OUT TOMORROW here I come! This is going to be all sorts of craziness.

Remembering to Pray

I already blogged about this but I should reiterate. I feel like I've been leaning towards selfishness more and more as of late. As yucky as that is I'm thankful to have identified it because now I can walk the other way, ideally.

I hadn't been praying very much. I'm not sure when it started to dwindle off I just know that I hadn't. My main prayer time is in the car while driving. I don't even listen to music in the car because I like to spend that time in prayer. I discovered talk radio awhile back. At first there was just one show I listened to but now I've been listening to three shows during the different times of day that I drive and truth be told there's no praying going on while talk radio is rambling away. Needless to say talk radio is going to take a break for awhile. This year has been too blah, I have been too blah, and I miss prayer time.

The drive to work Wednesday morning was great. Just before I arrived at work I started to seek the Lord about going back to Guatemala this year. I really want to go but I don't know at present if it's something God wants. An odd thing happened while I was at work. I work alone. I always work alone. Wednesday a different merchandiser from a different company ended up doing a reset directly next to me. She was really very friendly and began a conversation with me as soon as she arrived. After not too long we began talking about missionary work. About how she spent the first 18 years of her life in Africa with her missionary parents, about how I'd gone to Guatemala on several occasions, about how her and her husband are moving back to Africa to be missionaries themselves, about God and His love for people and the vast need this world has. We talked about mission work and about God for about 3 hours. I always work alone. Wednesday morning was a GREAT morning.

I didn't think about it until later in the day but I'd prayed for most of my drive to work about Guatemala and then about going back to Guatemala. Then I spent 3 hours talking with a total stranger about mission work. It just seems too appointed to be a coincidence.

Yesterday I prayed some while driving up to Ludington. It was nice. I'm missing the news but I'm so happy to be back on track. Just before I left Ludington I ended up having probably a 30 minute conversation with a team leader all about God and how great He is and what a miracle life is. It was an incredibly uplifting conversation and if that weren't enough it's always great to find fellow believers. To me it's almost like finding buried treasure. It's like were all camouflaged and we speak in code but once we're given the right signals we surface and we're like,"Hey, I'm on your side too... Yay an ally."

To sum it up: while reminding myself to Live Life and not just exist I need to remember to pray as well. That simple act adds so much color to the picture.

First Priority: Loved Ones

I've titled this years blog "Remembering to Live." I've spent the last 15 days thinking about living; about what it means to be alive; about what makes life worth while. I have not come to any grand conclusions, hence my hardly having written anything in the last 15 days, but I've been experiencing this ever present admonition that living does NOT boil down to focusing on myself.

I want to read more. I want to be a much more responsible individual when it comes to finances, personal property, employment, time management, in regards to life and living things, ect; I desperately want to travel. I desire to put more time and energy into artistic en-devours. I want to be a better person, more sound of mind. But the more I think about me, the more thought and effort I put into "improvement" and accomplishment the farther away I stray from other people.

I started reading just a few of the first posts from last years blog. I went into the experiment of living a being existence fully aware of others. I wanted to abandon having mostly because of the destructiveness that consuming causes to those in it's wake. At least in the last few weeks, maybe the last few months I feel I've strayed far from that path. This "being" existence has become all about me; about me cleaning up my messes; about me finding enjoyment and fulfillment in life; about me becoming someone great; and none of that is bad, in fact it's all good but I've sort of lost sight of others.

While I try and break out of systematic living, robotic, mindless motions and learned behavioral patters I must remind myself that people are what matter. Life is most beautiful because of loved ones. I'm sure I'll never have time sufficient to do any relationship justice but I am also sure that I can do better with what I've got.

Side note: I'm ridiculously introverted but I cannot let that hinder me from living.

New Priorities

I really thought this blog would be a continuation of last years blog only a tiny bit more upbeat and positive. Unfortunately I've had NOTHING to write about. Partly because of the upbeat and positive aspect. I'm starting to think I'm really a half glass empty type of person.

So far this year I've had four things on my mind that I believe to be my priorities at present. They've changed since last time I made a priorities list. The interesting thing about this new list is that I want these things to be my priorities. These items are on this list because of there importance and because of my neglect.

The Previous list July 21, 2010:
1. Being a part of a really good marriage.
2. Getting out of debt.
3. Taking care of my home.

New list January 15, 2011

1. Other people, thinking about others and less focus on ME... I don't want my story to be titled "Michal"

2. Traveling and Reading (I just want to see Everything!)

3. Art

4. God, thinking more about Him and less about Me

Art

I just ordered a large print of the photo above. It's the only officially large print of a photo that I've ever ordered. It's the first mounted photo I've ever ordered. I will be entering it into the first art competition I've ever entered. These are really significant firsts for me and I'm super excited. I literally had butterflies while I was discussing the order with the guy at the shop. And just thinking about getting it back (I hope it's a good as I'm thinking) is the most excited I've been about anything in a very VERY long time.

Now I'm only wondering why I never took the step forward and did this earlier. Geesh.

YAY!!!

This one tiny move makes me realize that I REALLY need to take more effort and do all those things that I'm storing in my mind for "someday." I think I'll clean a bit of my bedroom now (one of those things).

Thinking about Bean

I've been overly analytical my entire life. I've always wanted to know why, to have it all figured out, have all the answers, ALWAYS! When I was a baby my mom said if looks could kill everyone would have been dead (not because I was ugly). I guess I gave people the meanest looks you'd ever see as an infant. I'm pretty sure I was just thinking really contemplatively all the time. When I was in middle school I was accused of glaring evilly at people I didn't even know existed. Again, I'm pretty sure I was in deep thought and it was misinterpreted.

When I was a kid I had a neighbor named Rich. I didn't know that Rich was a name I only knew what it meant and I decided that he must be called Rich because he must be rich. He worked on cars and spent time in his garage religiously. There was a big pit in the center of his garage which he always kept covered up but somehow we still knew it was a pit and my brothers and I decided that he must keep all of his gold and treasure in that pit. For years I was certain that Rich had an entire pit filled with gold in his garage... I mean why else would they call him Rich?

When I found out Richard was a name and Rich was short for it the gold dissolved in an instant.

I also spent years trying to figure out why we were called Human Beans. I cannot even tell you how much pondering went into this one question. I remember asking my mom about it but she was no help at all. She just said because that's what we are. I tried to help her understand that we were nothing like beans so why would they call us that... but I'm pretty sure she thought I was saying Being just like I thought she was saying Bean. I bet several of my evil glares had some hard core bean pondering behind them.

The first time I read the words "Human Being" I think I was in school and it was like an epiphany. The room filled with light and the biggest "OHHHHhhh" of my lifetime was exhaled. "We aren't beans after all."

I've definitely come a long way. I no longer need to know why that girl from the song (Manic Monday) wishes  for a man named Sunday. (Just another Man named Monday... I wish is was Sunday). I know I'm not a bean. Rich is a name. Oh my oh my the list goes on. But here's the epiphany I just had yesterday: All the things I've figured out so far, all the vast knowledge that I have, all the wisdom that follows me, all of it has a little bean in it somewhere compared to the knowledge of God. I mean no matter how much time and energy I put into figuring it all out I'll never be there.

I guess what I'm saying is that sometimes I just need to leave the big thinking to the big guy. Sometimes I just need to let it go (because I will NEVER know it all, have all the answers, and figure it all out). Sometimes I just need to be (bean or not).

Anxiety in the heart of man causes depression, But a good word makes it glad. Prov. 12:25

Whats Important

I think it's safe to say that people are the most important things (or should be) the most important things in our lives. For the past several day's I've been thinking a lot about how often I see the people I care about; how much time I devote to them and to our relationship(s); how much of my life involves people beyond myself.

I don't. I hardly ever see my family. I practically never see my friends. And conversations are a thing of the past like dinosaurs and cursive writing. I feel a list coming on.

And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, but have not love, it profits me nothing. 1 Cor. 13:3

Sadly I'm pretty sure that not making time for the people in my life who are really special and really important, despite exhaustion or depression or prior commitments is a sad reflection of a negative heart condition within myself.

Dilemma

I really would like this blog to be more uplifting than last year. I also would really like to continue writing regularly. Dilemma.

I've been walking around the past several days in a cloud of gloom. It's not a debilitating cloud but it is yucky. I spent my entire vacation with the flu and it was awful. Returning to work (which sometimes feels like throwing my life into the wind and watching it vanish) has been really depressing. I accomplished nothing AND I wasn't able to enjoy my time off. Additionally we noticed that Bozzy (our dog, our boy, our baby) has gum disease and he just had surgery (which was super expensive) but for the past while all I've been able to think about is how much pain he might be in, what might happen to him, what we needed to do about it. So there's my sob story. Great, positive way to start the year.

The reality is that I've been reminding myself quite emphatically "LIVE! Seize the moment, enjoy now!" But myself has been overcome by gloomy emotions and the now has been trapped in the systematic which oddly enough from my viewpoint resembles what life must have looked life for the tin man. Why must emotion continually rule my life?

Pep talk time: I'm not longer sick. Bozzy is recovering from surgery and has a clean, healing mouth. I can't lament the loss of my vacation... it is in the past. Work is helping me to get out of debt; it provides me with food and a pretty high quality life. I can... I must... I am determined to find delight in all the little things.

First Conquest of 2011

After concluding that accomplishment is not the ultimate goal; progress, process, life is what matters; after succumbing to this truth (and I dare call it that) I've been ridiculously unmotivated. (Being incredibly ill for the entire week of my holiday vacation hasn't entirely helped lift my spirits and put a fire beneath me) Due to this lack of balance and inability to step forth and grab life by the horns I've resolved to dedicate a small bit of the month of January to organizing the bedroom.

I'm hesitant to acquire anything new. The responsibility of stuff overwhelms me beyond words. But the monstrous collection of things that currently surround me need to be either maintained and treated with the proper respect or dispensed of. The quest has been put forth. I shall clean, organize, discard, grant a breath of fresh air to our home, stumble upon fond memories, operate responsibly, and when the month is over (despite what little or what lot has been accomplished) my conquest will have been realized.

And so I remind myself that the consuming life we lead here in the grand States of America requires responsibility in so many facets. Is the stuff worth the breath expelled, the life wasted, the time required at it's expense? I shall find out. (but I dare say I doubt it)