I sometimes think all the other trees are jealous of the birches

Yesterday there was a funeral. It was like funerals are: sad and thought provoking. I got home, felt quite nauseous, tired, depressed, a little angry and unmotivated. A thought crossed my mind that a nice long walk would be good. Then a thought crossed my mind that sleep would be so much better. I've been sleeping WAY to much lately. I was drawn mostly to sleep but I made a conscious decision to do the opposite of what every part of me was shouting for and to instead do what that little tiny voice in my heart was speaking. I put on my walking shoes and (what I thought to be) warm clothes and I headed out.

At first there was so much going on in my mind that it was difficult even to think. I mean my thoughts were difficult even for me to follow. My stomach hurt. I'd tension everywhere. I was angry at death and burdened by life. And then I heard the birds. They were singing their songs perched upon twigs and branches all along the pathway I followed. I decided that I would focus on the world surrounding me and that I would pause for a moment from my crazy thoughts just to look and to listen. I noticed spectacular trees some with awesome twisted trunks from decades of strong beach winds (I've seen them many times before and I'm in love with them). Some with incredible bark strewn with texture and color too numerous to speak of. There are so many amazing things in this world that we'll never notice unless we consciously look. I listened to squirrels rustling through blankets of leaves on the forest floor. I heard my shoes making music on gravel, snow, leaves (my favorite is the sound of walking on helicopters). I smiled as I always do at the birch trees and their white clothing. I sometimes think all the other trees are jealous of the birches. And then I arrived at the lake. It peeked up over the grassy dune and I smiled and I truly believe audibly announced, "Hello old friend!" Yes, I am a freak and I do speak out loud to things like Lake Michigan. I am always ALWAYS comforted by simply viewing the lake. Walking alongside the breath taking immense body of water, yesterday smooth and calm with a blanket of sparkles in the middle where the sun was reflecting on tiny rustles I felt peace that I've been missing for a long time.

Viewing the lake, being there in it's presence, feeling the wind upon my skin, smelling the beach, gazing upon the trees and listening to the sounds of woodland creatures going about their business... I remember at one point even looking upon a piece of trash (there was a lot of junk everywhere) and thinking, "why is everything so difficult for me? Life is truly TRULY so spectacular and fragile. Every last moment should be cherished not wasted."

Today I decided to do the opposite as well. I woke up with my puppies at 4:30 am on the dot. I fed the starving  animals and let them outside and then I had to make the dreaded decision: be alive, face life, begin the day OR return to sleep. Everything within me was calling for sleep (which I in no way need more of) but I summoned up a bit of strength and declared that I would indeed listen to that tiny voice in my heart once more, I would in fact begin the day. I sat down with a book (as I've been sadly neglecting reading lately) and relished the morning moments that I do truly love but have been avoiding. I do want to live.