Pondering the Process

This blog cracks me up because everytime I open it I read the introduction "Often times I notice my life becoming systematic and robotic. During these times I exist but I forget to live," and despite the hopeful attempts to alter this reality those two sentances perfectly describe the first 3 months of this year for me. How is it April? Where has time gone? Where have I been?

I'm trying to put aside being angry with myself in hopes of starting a new day, in hopes of "turning over a leaf of simplicity" and remembering to LIVE my life. But I am mad at myself for neglecting time AND I'm fearful that despite my hopes of betterment I'll just continue wearing this tin man suit.

I've thought long and hard about this rut that I'm in. I tend to over analyze EVERYTHING. I suppose that's one of the big downers in my life itself. I'm just going to put it out there. I am emotionally drained. When Jesse and I got married we planned to wait about three years before having kids. Somewhere during those three years he began an on going joke that we were going to wait seven years before having kids. It was a joke but seven years has come and gone. At some point in time during those seven years I had a good long sit down with God. I received an intense amount of peace knowing that God's timing is perfect AND that as long as my husband is adamantly not ready to have children then it's not God's timing. That beautiful peace went with me for years but somewhere along the way recently I lost it. There are babies everywhere. I'm not what you would call young anymore. Jesse seems more against having kids at this point in time then he's ever been and he no longer has valid reasons for his stubborn mindset. You don't know what it's like until you've been there but the truth is that everything hurts and at random times tears just start to build up in my eyes. I never wanted to be a teacher like most little girls. I never wanted to be a doctor or a dancer or an actress. I'm pretty sure the only thing I've always wanted to be was a mom. The hardest thing about the situation is that I'm one of the only people I know who's not.

I'm not asking for pity, or judgement against my other half. I'm probably being a bit to open about the situation but here's my point: As I was driving the other day and just sort of venting to God which let out a good bit of tears and made me feel yucky at the same time I felt very strongly that I'd stopped relying on Him. I talked with Him about it but I haven't put the ball back in His court yet. I know this because I'm still hurting really badly. I'm still REALLY emotionally drained to the point of robotic existence, the point when life loses flavor and you have to force yourself to notice the sunrises and blue skies in order to notice them at all. I read through last years blog and have to wonder where that person went. I don't feel like her at all. I mean she struggled a lot but was so alive. I don't feel alive really.

I know a few things as fact. God's timing is perfect and if we wait on Him things'll be way better than if we don't. God's timing is NOT our timing. Life is but a breath, gone in the blink of an eye and yet a day is as a thousand years with God. For a long time I've been judgmental towards the masses for not grabbing the bull by the horns. It's going to sound a little crazy but I've always been able to see things about people, who they truly are, the potential that lies deep within them, gifts and talents and such that they don't even fully realize. It's like I can sort of see farther down the path then they can. But I've been really good at getting mad at people for not making their way down the path, NOW! You know that trademark, "Just do it," that's sort of my mantra and I don't understand why people insist on dilly dallying. (wow spell check did not flag that one)

To my most faithful blog readers:

Starr: I love where you're at with God... waiting on Him, hoping in Him, sitting at His feet just like Mary even though you're naturally a Martha McRae. I know that God's positioned himself directly in front of you like the pillar of cloud by day and the pillar of fire by night just like the Israelites followed. I know that you're following Him blindly with no concrete hope in sight with the possibility of walking directly off a cliff at any moment because you just can't see through the cloud thats directly in front of you. It's frustrating and it looks just like a desert and there's seemingly no end in "sight." But He is leading you to the promise land down the perfect path and vanquishing all your foes before you ever see them. As you know God is faithful and wonderful and as long as you keep following the pillar (despite the frustrating blindness) He'll keep leading you down that perfect path. He'll keep communing with you and causing your face to shine like Moses' shone. And people all along the way will see, and will be impacted, and life will be as it should be without all the detours and pitfalls and wanderings away. I believe you are doing just as the Israelites should have done. Well done little star.

Jessica: You're a tremendously good teacher. With the increasingly deteriorating educational system that we're apparently facing it'd be a blessing to hundreds of lives and to the educational system itself for you to acquire a full time teaching job. I know it's your dream and it doesn't make a ton of sense that you've yet to land the position and I know it's belittling to see all the others who've been accepted while you're still trucking away with the migrant kids. But I praise the Lord that you follow Him, that you know His way is perfect and that you willingly submit to His way despite how odd it may seem at times. I'm certain that you're in the perfect place. I see so many teacher moms who take their kids to daycare for tremendous lengths of time 5 days a week. Those moms are great and they love their kids but they're also missing out on the amazing things that you do with your girls every single day. Your children are going to be superiorly special because of the time that you've spent with them while not being a "full time" teacher. I believe you know this but I just had to say it. Additionally it's funny how God works. There might be one migrant kid, just one who's life you NEED to be a part of. For such a time as this and for just one this might be perfect timing. I don't know if we'll ever know God's reasons for certain things but just think you might be drastically changing a life that otherwise would have suffered beyond comprehension. I commend you for a job well done.

Amy: Not that it matters all that much but I'd hoped, Hoped, HOPED that you wouldn't give up the goal of Africa this year. For me it was one of those "bull by the horn," "just do it," moments in life. Usually when people say, "I prayed about it and... I'm not going," usually I don't buy it. This time's different. I believe you. I commend you for doing what God has asked of you. I commend you for going where he's called and for being where He's placed you. Rushing into something that we're not really supposed to be into is absolutely as bad as ignoring God's plan and not going. I like where you're at.

David: You're ok. I already said it once but I am proud of you for going out and doing what you said you wanted to do. And as for your stir craziness just get at God's feet. Read. Pray. Listen. Worship. Listen. You're ok. He's got you in the palm of His hand. You are fearfully and wonderfully made and when your Heavenly Father looks down upon you He sees perfection. He doesn't see a little boy. He see's the son of the King of Kings and Lord of Lords.

As for me: Have it your way right away is obviously NOT God's way. Lord I am willing to trust in you!!! I want to follow you. And as easy as it would be to just do it my way.... long pause..... I don't want it my way cause I know my way is flawed and filled with imperfection. Thank-you for my husband who I love and adore and would be absolutely incomplete without and thank-you for blessing us. And Lord please help me to know peace and to start living again.

Amen.