Hybernation

I'm pretty sure I've been hibernating for the past few months at least. This year is flying by and I don't remember it happening. I've totally been operating in robot mode. It sucks but I've found that at least for me it takes alot of effort to live. I mean to consciously be increasing, experiencing life and to be effected by the world around me. It takes a lot of effort.

I haven't blogged for a month. I haven't really experienced life apart from work, sleep, and grouchiness for a month. I have been putting all my energy into fighting; fighting food addiction and money irresponsibility but I feel that there should at least be a little bit of energy left for living life.

I feel compelled to list the few observations that have sparked life in me over the past couple of days.

1. A box danced in an open truck bed. The truck drove down the highway at speeds of 75mph. The empty little box jumped up and twirled catching a brief glimpse of the world surrounding. Then fell back into the confinement. Again it jumped, danced, fell. Again. And again. I watched, delighted by it's playfulness and the fact that it didn't fly out of the truck during it's bursts into the open air. The game continued for several minutes until I realized that at any moment the box could in fact come flying at me. Sadly as soon as I came to this realization the box did too. It made one last leep and flew from it's home. The little guy landed smack dab in the middle of the highway and sat there, motionless, alone, but free. I enjoyed the spectacle and then felt bad for the lost box. I hate how I have such emotion for motionless things. But for some reason that little episode delighted me (until it's harshly realistic culmination).

2. I saw a man with a HUGE nose at meijer. He was almost tall, maybe 60ish years of age with brown hair (probably dyed), and more on the skinny side than anything, kind of lanky. His nose was enormous and I loved it. I thought to myself if I was that man I'd be so proud of my nose. I looked at him, smiled immensely. The smile filled all of me. I love those smiles, the ones that take over your entire self, when you're no longer smiling simply with your face but with your whole entire being. It wasn't a laughter, haha funny smile. It was a smile of pure joy. I wish you could have seen that man with that nose. It wasn't even awkward. It was huge and so him. Like he would have been an entirely different person without that nose. He needed that nose to be who he is. Then I realized his childhood must have been hell. He probably hates his nose. Or maybe the fact that I took one look at him and loved his nose meant the total opposite, maybe he loves his nose. Maybe if he didn't love his nose as much as he does I wouldn't have been so enraptured and delighted by it.

3. One day I was working and there were these sporadic little circles of old people stopped all over the store conversing and visiting and enjoying each other. It was a little odd. Like a planned event, even though it was nothing of the sort. Normally groups of 4 or more people just standing there talking taking up the aisle would annoy me but that day it was neat seeing all those different groups of old folks enjoying each others company. I liked it.

4. I love St. Patricks Day. For the past three years (at least) I've read a book called "St. Patrick of Ireland" by Philip Freeman every St. Patricks week. I'm currently reading it again. This year I decided I needed a St. Patricks Day mix tape (on CD of course). I woke up at 4am put on my emeraldyest green shirt and made my mix tape and listened to it all day, all 24 songs 3 times each. It was fabulous!

And so despite my recent state of hybernation and glumyness there have been a few moments of life. Today I think I'm going to rake the leaves in the front yard. I LOVE being outdoors and I really like yard work. So I'll just make that number 5 on the list.