I sometimes think all the other trees are jealous of the birches

Yesterday there was a funeral. It was like funerals are: sad and thought provoking. I got home, felt quite nauseous, tired, depressed, a little angry and unmotivated. A thought crossed my mind that a nice long walk would be good. Then a thought crossed my mind that sleep would be so much better. I've been sleeping WAY to much lately. I was drawn mostly to sleep but I made a conscious decision to do the opposite of what every part of me was shouting for and to instead do what that little tiny voice in my heart was speaking. I put on my walking shoes and (what I thought to be) warm clothes and I headed out.

At first there was so much going on in my mind that it was difficult even to think. I mean my thoughts were difficult even for me to follow. My stomach hurt. I'd tension everywhere. I was angry at death and burdened by life. And then I heard the birds. They were singing their songs perched upon twigs and branches all along the pathway I followed. I decided that I would focus on the world surrounding me and that I would pause for a moment from my crazy thoughts just to look and to listen. I noticed spectacular trees some with awesome twisted trunks from decades of strong beach winds (I've seen them many times before and I'm in love with them). Some with incredible bark strewn with texture and color too numerous to speak of. There are so many amazing things in this world that we'll never notice unless we consciously look. I listened to squirrels rustling through blankets of leaves on the forest floor. I heard my shoes making music on gravel, snow, leaves (my favorite is the sound of walking on helicopters). I smiled as I always do at the birch trees and their white clothing. I sometimes think all the other trees are jealous of the birches. And then I arrived at the lake. It peeked up over the grassy dune and I smiled and I truly believe audibly announced, "Hello old friend!" Yes, I am a freak and I do speak out loud to things like Lake Michigan. I am always ALWAYS comforted by simply viewing the lake. Walking alongside the breath taking immense body of water, yesterday smooth and calm with a blanket of sparkles in the middle where the sun was reflecting on tiny rustles I felt peace that I've been missing for a long time.

Viewing the lake, being there in it's presence, feeling the wind upon my skin, smelling the beach, gazing upon the trees and listening to the sounds of woodland creatures going about their business... I remember at one point even looking upon a piece of trash (there was a lot of junk everywhere) and thinking, "why is everything so difficult for me? Life is truly TRULY so spectacular and fragile. Every last moment should be cherished not wasted."

Today I decided to do the opposite as well. I woke up with my puppies at 4:30 am on the dot. I fed the starving  animals and let them outside and then I had to make the dreaded decision: be alive, face life, begin the day OR return to sleep. Everything within me was calling for sleep (which I in no way need more of) but I summoned up a bit of strength and declared that I would indeed listen to that tiny voice in my heart once more, I would in fact begin the day. I sat down with a book (as I've been sadly neglecting reading lately) and relished the morning moments that I do truly love but have been avoiding. I do want to live.

Sea shells

I spent one hour outside yesterday and I feel so revived. My neck hurts really badly from raking but I want to do it again today. It was so wonderful to breath the fresh air, clean up the front flower beds, get dirt under my nails and in my finger prints again. I'm happy that my muscles are a little sore from being used again. I loved smelling the grass and leaves and pine and sap. The sun shone on my face for the whole hour and being out doors was absolutely invigorating.

Right before I came inside after I put away all the yard tools and dragged the yard waste can back to the garage I decided to sweep up the broken stucco that's been collecting along the driveway at the foundation of the house. The broken bits of stucco sounded just like breaking sea shells. (I'm not entirely sure how I know what breaking sea shells sound like but the stucco sounded exactly like sea shells) It was one of the most beautiful sounds I've heard. I swept the stucco from the front of the house to the back and onto a shovel to transfer to the trash all the while listening to the sound of crackling sea shells... music, natural, wonderful, beautiful music twinkling all the while.

I'm glad I decided to sweep up the stucco before going inside.

Hybernation

I'm pretty sure I've been hibernating for the past few months at least. This year is flying by and I don't remember it happening. I've totally been operating in robot mode. It sucks but I've found that at least for me it takes alot of effort to live. I mean to consciously be increasing, experiencing life and to be effected by the world around me. It takes a lot of effort.

I haven't blogged for a month. I haven't really experienced life apart from work, sleep, and grouchiness for a month. I have been putting all my energy into fighting; fighting food addiction and money irresponsibility but I feel that there should at least be a little bit of energy left for living life.

I feel compelled to list the few observations that have sparked life in me over the past couple of days.

1. A box danced in an open truck bed. The truck drove down the highway at speeds of 75mph. The empty little box jumped up and twirled catching a brief glimpse of the world surrounding. Then fell back into the confinement. Again it jumped, danced, fell. Again. And again. I watched, delighted by it's playfulness and the fact that it didn't fly out of the truck during it's bursts into the open air. The game continued for several minutes until I realized that at any moment the box could in fact come flying at me. Sadly as soon as I came to this realization the box did too. It made one last leep and flew from it's home. The little guy landed smack dab in the middle of the highway and sat there, motionless, alone, but free. I enjoyed the spectacle and then felt bad for the lost box. I hate how I have such emotion for motionless things. But for some reason that little episode delighted me (until it's harshly realistic culmination).

2. I saw a man with a HUGE nose at meijer. He was almost tall, maybe 60ish years of age with brown hair (probably dyed), and more on the skinny side than anything, kind of lanky. His nose was enormous and I loved it. I thought to myself if I was that man I'd be so proud of my nose. I looked at him, smiled immensely. The smile filled all of me. I love those smiles, the ones that take over your entire self, when you're no longer smiling simply with your face but with your whole entire being. It wasn't a laughter, haha funny smile. It was a smile of pure joy. I wish you could have seen that man with that nose. It wasn't even awkward. It was huge and so him. Like he would have been an entirely different person without that nose. He needed that nose to be who he is. Then I realized his childhood must have been hell. He probably hates his nose. Or maybe the fact that I took one look at him and loved his nose meant the total opposite, maybe he loves his nose. Maybe if he didn't love his nose as much as he does I wouldn't have been so enraptured and delighted by it.

3. One day I was working and there were these sporadic little circles of old people stopped all over the store conversing and visiting and enjoying each other. It was a little odd. Like a planned event, even though it was nothing of the sort. Normally groups of 4 or more people just standing there talking taking up the aisle would annoy me but that day it was neat seeing all those different groups of old folks enjoying each others company. I liked it.

4. I love St. Patricks Day. For the past three years (at least) I've read a book called "St. Patrick of Ireland" by Philip Freeman every St. Patricks week. I'm currently reading it again. This year I decided I needed a St. Patricks Day mix tape (on CD of course). I woke up at 4am put on my emeraldyest green shirt and made my mix tape and listened to it all day, all 24 songs 3 times each. It was fabulous!

And so despite my recent state of hybernation and glumyness there have been a few moments of life. Today I think I'm going to rake the leaves in the front yard. I LOVE being outdoors and I really like yard work. So I'll just make that number 5 on the list.

LONG Cold Winter

I've been putting this off because there are too many words and I haven't a proper order for them all to go. However I NEED to write. So please bare with me.

I'm in this very particular season and it's looking to be a VERY long one rather like a really long harsh cold winter that you know will end, it has to end but in the mean time there's nothing you can do about it but survive, make the most of it, just keep waking up and facing the cold dark days.

I want it to be spring (spiritually speaking). I want to go to Guatemala and pray... oh how I dream of strolling along flower mountain and praying. I want to breath in the ashy aroma, look upon the beautiful faces, speak broken Spanish, build homes and hand out food. I want to be there with the people. I want to LIVE, to have a purpose, to feel alive.

I'd also REALLY like to add a little one to our family. It hurts, it shouldn't, but it really REALLY hurts every time I hear the news of blessing in other people's families. That blessing seems so far off for me. I mean light years away and it hurts in a way I can't put words to. I really just want to sleep, to hibernate through the winter until it's my time.

I know what time it is. It's time to put down stronger roots. It's time to grow. It's time to be responsible and hard working, to look forward with joyful anticipation to those blessings TO COME. But it's not time right now to realize the blessing. I'm not just being negative. I know this. I'm in a season, a cold wintry season of paying off debt. This is a season of growing up and taking responsibly for my life. This is a season of doing whats right even though it's not fun. God is on my side. He's directing me and giving me the strength to progress through the battle but this season sucks. I don't like it. I don't want to be in the trenches. I want to be where the victory is, where the spoils are, where there is rejoicing and joy is tangible.

Lately I've been sleeping, ALOT! I haven't wanted to do anything. I wake up, I make money, I try not to spend money and I pay bills and debt. That's what needs to be done right now. I can't travel. I can't fix up the home. I can't bring a little one into this world with no money to support it. I can't really even justify spending money to socialize. There is an end to this madness... far off in the distance, but in the meantime I'm having a very difficult time handling the cold and the dark. I just don't want to... yeah, I don't want to ANYTHING.

I was praying. I said God what is wrong with me? What do I do? AHHHHH!!! He says, make the most of the season you're in. Enjoy the beauty of the snow. Sip hot cocoa and snuggle in blankets. Marvel when the cloud covering breaks for a moment at the beauty of the sunny sky or the sparkling of the magnificent stars. (this is all metaphorically speaking... but I think you get the point). It's been about 4 days since we had this conversation. I'm still bumming around but I know that I need to break out of this ungrateful funk. I know that I need to grab life by the horns and live. If it's winter, there's nothing you can do about it except sulk and whine OR just enjoy it. It's your choice. It's my choice. I'm so sick of being tired, cold, and feeling trapped. But my winter isn't ending anytime soon. I think I'm going to get some hot cocoa.

The Battle Rages On

I decided to take a temporary news radio hiatus. I decided to take time out and pray. I decided to draw nearer to God and to quit being foolish, lazy, and regressive. The first few days were great, refreshing, uplifting even. Then came hardship.

The past few days I've been feeling like the world is collapsing all around me. I have no will power. I'm emotionally drained. I'm physically drained. I want to do nothing but eat and sleep. I feel like I'm wearing a suit much resembling what an astronaut wears but it's made entirely of depression. Today I did not pray. I did listen to news radio. I ate sugar (way too much sugar). I drank caffeine for the third day in a row! I haven't done any form of exercise. I can't stop thinking about consuming junk. I feel like the biggest loser (not in a good way) that I could possibly succumb to being. Right now it seems that killing someone wouldn't pull me any lower than I currently am.

I know you've heard this all before. I do however have more to add. I was sulking a few minutes ago, feeling all of the above loserness and I heard a little voice say that "it's all just part of the cleansing." WHAT!!!

I'm the one who decided that I had started walking the wrong way. I was slowly wandering away from God. I began embarking upon this path of selfishness. So then I said, "wait... idiot... fool... you need to turn yourself around and get back on track." That sounds all hunky dory peachy kean but apparently getting back on track takes some work. Every time I try and draw nearer to God my flesh pulls with 5 times more might in the other direction. As I mentioned I was wondering to myself why I've been SOOOOO miserable and I realized a few things. One: the devil does not want me to draw near to God. He's gonna do anything in his power to keep me from getting back on track. Two: Drawing closer to God means relying on God. When I "need" sugar all I really need is God. His grace is sufficient. When I have to have caffeine all I really need is God. His grace is sufficient. When I'm exhausted and drained and just can't go on all I really need is God. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I'm not going to blame God for this awful fleshy battle that I'm failing miserably at right now but I have just realized that there are only two ways through it. I can rely on all those things that I adamantly do not want to be apart of my life (sugar, caffeine, retreating to sleep) or I can rely on God. His grace is sufficient!

Now that I've figured all that out: LOOK OUT TOMORROW here I come! This is going to be all sorts of craziness.

Remembering to Pray

I already blogged about this but I should reiterate. I feel like I've been leaning towards selfishness more and more as of late. As yucky as that is I'm thankful to have identified it because now I can walk the other way, ideally.

I hadn't been praying very much. I'm not sure when it started to dwindle off I just know that I hadn't. My main prayer time is in the car while driving. I don't even listen to music in the car because I like to spend that time in prayer. I discovered talk radio awhile back. At first there was just one show I listened to but now I've been listening to three shows during the different times of day that I drive and truth be told there's no praying going on while talk radio is rambling away. Needless to say talk radio is going to take a break for awhile. This year has been too blah, I have been too blah, and I miss prayer time.

The drive to work Wednesday morning was great. Just before I arrived at work I started to seek the Lord about going back to Guatemala this year. I really want to go but I don't know at present if it's something God wants. An odd thing happened while I was at work. I work alone. I always work alone. Wednesday a different merchandiser from a different company ended up doing a reset directly next to me. She was really very friendly and began a conversation with me as soon as she arrived. After not too long we began talking about missionary work. About how she spent the first 18 years of her life in Africa with her missionary parents, about how I'd gone to Guatemala on several occasions, about how her and her husband are moving back to Africa to be missionaries themselves, about God and His love for people and the vast need this world has. We talked about mission work and about God for about 3 hours. I always work alone. Wednesday morning was a GREAT morning.

I didn't think about it until later in the day but I'd prayed for most of my drive to work about Guatemala and then about going back to Guatemala. Then I spent 3 hours talking with a total stranger about mission work. It just seems too appointed to be a coincidence.

Yesterday I prayed some while driving up to Ludington. It was nice. I'm missing the news but I'm so happy to be back on track. Just before I left Ludington I ended up having probably a 30 minute conversation with a team leader all about God and how great He is and what a miracle life is. It was an incredibly uplifting conversation and if that weren't enough it's always great to find fellow believers. To me it's almost like finding buried treasure. It's like were all camouflaged and we speak in code but once we're given the right signals we surface and we're like,"Hey, I'm on your side too... Yay an ally."

To sum it up: while reminding myself to Live Life and not just exist I need to remember to pray as well. That simple act adds so much color to the picture.

First Priority: Loved Ones

I've titled this years blog "Remembering to Live." I've spent the last 15 days thinking about living; about what it means to be alive; about what makes life worth while. I have not come to any grand conclusions, hence my hardly having written anything in the last 15 days, but I've been experiencing this ever present admonition that living does NOT boil down to focusing on myself.

I want to read more. I want to be a much more responsible individual when it comes to finances, personal property, employment, time management, in regards to life and living things, ect; I desperately want to travel. I desire to put more time and energy into artistic en-devours. I want to be a better person, more sound of mind. But the more I think about me, the more thought and effort I put into "improvement" and accomplishment the farther away I stray from other people.

I started reading just a few of the first posts from last years blog. I went into the experiment of living a being existence fully aware of others. I wanted to abandon having mostly because of the destructiveness that consuming causes to those in it's wake. At least in the last few weeks, maybe the last few months I feel I've strayed far from that path. This "being" existence has become all about me; about me cleaning up my messes; about me finding enjoyment and fulfillment in life; about me becoming someone great; and none of that is bad, in fact it's all good but I've sort of lost sight of others.

While I try and break out of systematic living, robotic, mindless motions and learned behavioral patters I must remind myself that people are what matter. Life is most beautiful because of loved ones. I'm sure I'll never have time sufficient to do any relationship justice but I am also sure that I can do better with what I've got.

Side note: I'm ridiculously introverted but I cannot let that hinder me from living.

New Priorities

I really thought this blog would be a continuation of last years blog only a tiny bit more upbeat and positive. Unfortunately I've had NOTHING to write about. Partly because of the upbeat and positive aspect. I'm starting to think I'm really a half glass empty type of person.

So far this year I've had four things on my mind that I believe to be my priorities at present. They've changed since last time I made a priorities list. The interesting thing about this new list is that I want these things to be my priorities. These items are on this list because of there importance and because of my neglect.

The Previous list July 21, 2010:
1. Being a part of a really good marriage.
2. Getting out of debt.
3. Taking care of my home.

New list January 15, 2011

1. Other people, thinking about others and less focus on ME... I don't want my story to be titled "Michal"

2. Traveling and Reading (I just want to see Everything!)

3. Art

4. God, thinking more about Him and less about Me

Art

I just ordered a large print of the photo above. It's the only officially large print of a photo that I've ever ordered. It's the first mounted photo I've ever ordered. I will be entering it into the first art competition I've ever entered. These are really significant firsts for me and I'm super excited. I literally had butterflies while I was discussing the order with the guy at the shop. And just thinking about getting it back (I hope it's a good as I'm thinking) is the most excited I've been about anything in a very VERY long time.

Now I'm only wondering why I never took the step forward and did this earlier. Geesh.

YAY!!!

This one tiny move makes me realize that I REALLY need to take more effort and do all those things that I'm storing in my mind for "someday." I think I'll clean a bit of my bedroom now (one of those things).

Thinking about Bean

I've been overly analytical my entire life. I've always wanted to know why, to have it all figured out, have all the answers, ALWAYS! When I was a baby my mom said if looks could kill everyone would have been dead (not because I was ugly). I guess I gave people the meanest looks you'd ever see as an infant. I'm pretty sure I was just thinking really contemplatively all the time. When I was in middle school I was accused of glaring evilly at people I didn't even know existed. Again, I'm pretty sure I was in deep thought and it was misinterpreted.

When I was a kid I had a neighbor named Rich. I didn't know that Rich was a name I only knew what it meant and I decided that he must be called Rich because he must be rich. He worked on cars and spent time in his garage religiously. There was a big pit in the center of his garage which he always kept covered up but somehow we still knew it was a pit and my brothers and I decided that he must keep all of his gold and treasure in that pit. For years I was certain that Rich had an entire pit filled with gold in his garage... I mean why else would they call him Rich?

When I found out Richard was a name and Rich was short for it the gold dissolved in an instant.

I also spent years trying to figure out why we were called Human Beans. I cannot even tell you how much pondering went into this one question. I remember asking my mom about it but she was no help at all. She just said because that's what we are. I tried to help her understand that we were nothing like beans so why would they call us that... but I'm pretty sure she thought I was saying Being just like I thought she was saying Bean. I bet several of my evil glares had some hard core bean pondering behind them.

The first time I read the words "Human Being" I think I was in school and it was like an epiphany. The room filled with light and the biggest "OHHHHhhh" of my lifetime was exhaled. "We aren't beans after all."

I've definitely come a long way. I no longer need to know why that girl from the song (Manic Monday) wishes  for a man named Sunday. (Just another Man named Monday... I wish is was Sunday). I know I'm not a bean. Rich is a name. Oh my oh my the list goes on. But here's the epiphany I just had yesterday: All the things I've figured out so far, all the vast knowledge that I have, all the wisdom that follows me, all of it has a little bean in it somewhere compared to the knowledge of God. I mean no matter how much time and energy I put into figuring it all out I'll never be there.

I guess what I'm saying is that sometimes I just need to leave the big thinking to the big guy. Sometimes I just need to let it go (because I will NEVER know it all, have all the answers, and figure it all out). Sometimes I just need to be (bean or not).

Anxiety in the heart of man causes depression, But a good word makes it glad. Prov. 12:25

Whats Important

I think it's safe to say that people are the most important things (or should be) the most important things in our lives. For the past several day's I've been thinking a lot about how often I see the people I care about; how much time I devote to them and to our relationship(s); how much of my life involves people beyond myself.

I don't. I hardly ever see my family. I practically never see my friends. And conversations are a thing of the past like dinosaurs and cursive writing. I feel a list coming on.

And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, but have not love, it profits me nothing. 1 Cor. 13:3

Sadly I'm pretty sure that not making time for the people in my life who are really special and really important, despite exhaustion or depression or prior commitments is a sad reflection of a negative heart condition within myself.

Dilemma

I really would like this blog to be more uplifting than last year. I also would really like to continue writing regularly. Dilemma.

I've been walking around the past several days in a cloud of gloom. It's not a debilitating cloud but it is yucky. I spent my entire vacation with the flu and it was awful. Returning to work (which sometimes feels like throwing my life into the wind and watching it vanish) has been really depressing. I accomplished nothing AND I wasn't able to enjoy my time off. Additionally we noticed that Bozzy (our dog, our boy, our baby) has gum disease and he just had surgery (which was super expensive) but for the past while all I've been able to think about is how much pain he might be in, what might happen to him, what we needed to do about it. So there's my sob story. Great, positive way to start the year.

The reality is that I've been reminding myself quite emphatically "LIVE! Seize the moment, enjoy now!" But myself has been overcome by gloomy emotions and the now has been trapped in the systematic which oddly enough from my viewpoint resembles what life must have looked life for the tin man. Why must emotion continually rule my life?

Pep talk time: I'm not longer sick. Bozzy is recovering from surgery and has a clean, healing mouth. I can't lament the loss of my vacation... it is in the past. Work is helping me to get out of debt; it provides me with food and a pretty high quality life. I can... I must... I am determined to find delight in all the little things.

First Conquest of 2011

After concluding that accomplishment is not the ultimate goal; progress, process, life is what matters; after succumbing to this truth (and I dare call it that) I've been ridiculously unmotivated. (Being incredibly ill for the entire week of my holiday vacation hasn't entirely helped lift my spirits and put a fire beneath me) Due to this lack of balance and inability to step forth and grab life by the horns I've resolved to dedicate a small bit of the month of January to organizing the bedroom.

I'm hesitant to acquire anything new. The responsibility of stuff overwhelms me beyond words. But the monstrous collection of things that currently surround me need to be either maintained and treated with the proper respect or dispensed of. The quest has been put forth. I shall clean, organize, discard, grant a breath of fresh air to our home, stumble upon fond memories, operate responsibly, and when the month is over (despite what little or what lot has been accomplished) my conquest will have been realized.

And so I remind myself that the consuming life we lead here in the grand States of America requires responsibility in so many facets. Is the stuff worth the breath expelled, the life wasted, the time required at it's expense? I shall find out. (but I dare say I doubt it)

Happy New Year

I don't want to make a list of aspirations, plans, and dreams. I think goals are good. They give one something to work towards. It's nice to have a target to aim at. But at least for today I just want to let it all be. I just want to relish the little bits of now; to see the trees and the birds perched within them; to stop every now and again to speak with Jesus my best friend and The King of Kings and Lord of Lords my Heavenly Father; to find comfort and joy in my husbands smile and as long as I can remember to keep enjoying the things that matter then this year will be spectacular, goals, accomplishments, grand feats and conquests all set aside.