The Battle Rages On

I decided to take a temporary news radio hiatus. I decided to take time out and pray. I decided to draw nearer to God and to quit being foolish, lazy, and regressive. The first few days were great, refreshing, uplifting even. Then came hardship.

The past few days I've been feeling like the world is collapsing all around me. I have no will power. I'm emotionally drained. I'm physically drained. I want to do nothing but eat and sleep. I feel like I'm wearing a suit much resembling what an astronaut wears but it's made entirely of depression. Today I did not pray. I did listen to news radio. I ate sugar (way too much sugar). I drank caffeine for the third day in a row! I haven't done any form of exercise. I can't stop thinking about consuming junk. I feel like the biggest loser (not in a good way) that I could possibly succumb to being. Right now it seems that killing someone wouldn't pull me any lower than I currently am.

I know you've heard this all before. I do however have more to add. I was sulking a few minutes ago, feeling all of the above loserness and I heard a little voice say that "it's all just part of the cleansing." WHAT!!!

I'm the one who decided that I had started walking the wrong way. I was slowly wandering away from God. I began embarking upon this path of selfishness. So then I said, "wait... idiot... fool... you need to turn yourself around and get back on track." That sounds all hunky dory peachy kean but apparently getting back on track takes some work. Every time I try and draw nearer to God my flesh pulls with 5 times more might in the other direction. As I mentioned I was wondering to myself why I've been SOOOOO miserable and I realized a few things. One: the devil does not want me to draw near to God. He's gonna do anything in his power to keep me from getting back on track. Two: Drawing closer to God means relying on God. When I "need" sugar all I really need is God. His grace is sufficient. When I have to have caffeine all I really need is God. His grace is sufficient. When I'm exhausted and drained and just can't go on all I really need is God. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I'm not going to blame God for this awful fleshy battle that I'm failing miserably at right now but I have just realized that there are only two ways through it. I can rely on all those things that I adamantly do not want to be apart of my life (sugar, caffeine, retreating to sleep) or I can rely on God. His grace is sufficient!

Now that I've figured all that out: LOOK OUT TOMORROW here I come! This is going to be all sorts of craziness.

Remembering to Pray

I already blogged about this but I should reiterate. I feel like I've been leaning towards selfishness more and more as of late. As yucky as that is I'm thankful to have identified it because now I can walk the other way, ideally.

I hadn't been praying very much. I'm not sure when it started to dwindle off I just know that I hadn't. My main prayer time is in the car while driving. I don't even listen to music in the car because I like to spend that time in prayer. I discovered talk radio awhile back. At first there was just one show I listened to but now I've been listening to three shows during the different times of day that I drive and truth be told there's no praying going on while talk radio is rambling away. Needless to say talk radio is going to take a break for awhile. This year has been too blah, I have been too blah, and I miss prayer time.

The drive to work Wednesday morning was great. Just before I arrived at work I started to seek the Lord about going back to Guatemala this year. I really want to go but I don't know at present if it's something God wants. An odd thing happened while I was at work. I work alone. I always work alone. Wednesday a different merchandiser from a different company ended up doing a reset directly next to me. She was really very friendly and began a conversation with me as soon as she arrived. After not too long we began talking about missionary work. About how she spent the first 18 years of her life in Africa with her missionary parents, about how I'd gone to Guatemala on several occasions, about how her and her husband are moving back to Africa to be missionaries themselves, about God and His love for people and the vast need this world has. We talked about mission work and about God for about 3 hours. I always work alone. Wednesday morning was a GREAT morning.

I didn't think about it until later in the day but I'd prayed for most of my drive to work about Guatemala and then about going back to Guatemala. Then I spent 3 hours talking with a total stranger about mission work. It just seems too appointed to be a coincidence.

Yesterday I prayed some while driving up to Ludington. It was nice. I'm missing the news but I'm so happy to be back on track. Just before I left Ludington I ended up having probably a 30 minute conversation with a team leader all about God and how great He is and what a miracle life is. It was an incredibly uplifting conversation and if that weren't enough it's always great to find fellow believers. To me it's almost like finding buried treasure. It's like were all camouflaged and we speak in code but once we're given the right signals we surface and we're like,"Hey, I'm on your side too... Yay an ally."

To sum it up: while reminding myself to Live Life and not just exist I need to remember to pray as well. That simple act adds so much color to the picture.

First Priority: Loved Ones

I've titled this years blog "Remembering to Live." I've spent the last 15 days thinking about living; about what it means to be alive; about what makes life worth while. I have not come to any grand conclusions, hence my hardly having written anything in the last 15 days, but I've been experiencing this ever present admonition that living does NOT boil down to focusing on myself.

I want to read more. I want to be a much more responsible individual when it comes to finances, personal property, employment, time management, in regards to life and living things, ect; I desperately want to travel. I desire to put more time and energy into artistic en-devours. I want to be a better person, more sound of mind. But the more I think about me, the more thought and effort I put into "improvement" and accomplishment the farther away I stray from other people.

I started reading just a few of the first posts from last years blog. I went into the experiment of living a being existence fully aware of others. I wanted to abandon having mostly because of the destructiveness that consuming causes to those in it's wake. At least in the last few weeks, maybe the last few months I feel I've strayed far from that path. This "being" existence has become all about me; about me cleaning up my messes; about me finding enjoyment and fulfillment in life; about me becoming someone great; and none of that is bad, in fact it's all good but I've sort of lost sight of others.

While I try and break out of systematic living, robotic, mindless motions and learned behavioral patters I must remind myself that people are what matter. Life is most beautiful because of loved ones. I'm sure I'll never have time sufficient to do any relationship justice but I am also sure that I can do better with what I've got.

Side note: I'm ridiculously introverted but I cannot let that hinder me from living.

New Priorities

I really thought this blog would be a continuation of last years blog only a tiny bit more upbeat and positive. Unfortunately I've had NOTHING to write about. Partly because of the upbeat and positive aspect. I'm starting to think I'm really a half glass empty type of person.

So far this year I've had four things on my mind that I believe to be my priorities at present. They've changed since last time I made a priorities list. The interesting thing about this new list is that I want these things to be my priorities. These items are on this list because of there importance and because of my neglect.

The Previous list July 21, 2010:
1. Being a part of a really good marriage.
2. Getting out of debt.
3. Taking care of my home.

New list January 15, 2011

1. Other people, thinking about others and less focus on ME... I don't want my story to be titled "Michal"

2. Traveling and Reading (I just want to see Everything!)

3. Art

4. God, thinking more about Him and less about Me

Art

I just ordered a large print of the photo above. It's the only officially large print of a photo that I've ever ordered. It's the first mounted photo I've ever ordered. I will be entering it into the first art competition I've ever entered. These are really significant firsts for me and I'm super excited. I literally had butterflies while I was discussing the order with the guy at the shop. And just thinking about getting it back (I hope it's a good as I'm thinking) is the most excited I've been about anything in a very VERY long time.

Now I'm only wondering why I never took the step forward and did this earlier. Geesh.

YAY!!!

This one tiny move makes me realize that I REALLY need to take more effort and do all those things that I'm storing in my mind for "someday." I think I'll clean a bit of my bedroom now (one of those things).

Thinking about Bean

I've been overly analytical my entire life. I've always wanted to know why, to have it all figured out, have all the answers, ALWAYS! When I was a baby my mom said if looks could kill everyone would have been dead (not because I was ugly). I guess I gave people the meanest looks you'd ever see as an infant. I'm pretty sure I was just thinking really contemplatively all the time. When I was in middle school I was accused of glaring evilly at people I didn't even know existed. Again, I'm pretty sure I was in deep thought and it was misinterpreted.

When I was a kid I had a neighbor named Rich. I didn't know that Rich was a name I only knew what it meant and I decided that he must be called Rich because he must be rich. He worked on cars and spent time in his garage religiously. There was a big pit in the center of his garage which he always kept covered up but somehow we still knew it was a pit and my brothers and I decided that he must keep all of his gold and treasure in that pit. For years I was certain that Rich had an entire pit filled with gold in his garage... I mean why else would they call him Rich?

When I found out Richard was a name and Rich was short for it the gold dissolved in an instant.

I also spent years trying to figure out why we were called Human Beans. I cannot even tell you how much pondering went into this one question. I remember asking my mom about it but she was no help at all. She just said because that's what we are. I tried to help her understand that we were nothing like beans so why would they call us that... but I'm pretty sure she thought I was saying Being just like I thought she was saying Bean. I bet several of my evil glares had some hard core bean pondering behind them.

The first time I read the words "Human Being" I think I was in school and it was like an epiphany. The room filled with light and the biggest "OHHHHhhh" of my lifetime was exhaled. "We aren't beans after all."

I've definitely come a long way. I no longer need to know why that girl from the song (Manic Monday) wishes  for a man named Sunday. (Just another Man named Monday... I wish is was Sunday). I know I'm not a bean. Rich is a name. Oh my oh my the list goes on. But here's the epiphany I just had yesterday: All the things I've figured out so far, all the vast knowledge that I have, all the wisdom that follows me, all of it has a little bean in it somewhere compared to the knowledge of God. I mean no matter how much time and energy I put into figuring it all out I'll never be there.

I guess what I'm saying is that sometimes I just need to leave the big thinking to the big guy. Sometimes I just need to let it go (because I will NEVER know it all, have all the answers, and figure it all out). Sometimes I just need to be (bean or not).

Anxiety in the heart of man causes depression, But a good word makes it glad. Prov. 12:25

Whats Important

I think it's safe to say that people are the most important things (or should be) the most important things in our lives. For the past several day's I've been thinking a lot about how often I see the people I care about; how much time I devote to them and to our relationship(s); how much of my life involves people beyond myself.

I don't. I hardly ever see my family. I practically never see my friends. And conversations are a thing of the past like dinosaurs and cursive writing. I feel a list coming on.

And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, but have not love, it profits me nothing. 1 Cor. 13:3

Sadly I'm pretty sure that not making time for the people in my life who are really special and really important, despite exhaustion or depression or prior commitments is a sad reflection of a negative heart condition within myself.

Dilemma

I really would like this blog to be more uplifting than last year. I also would really like to continue writing regularly. Dilemma.

I've been walking around the past several days in a cloud of gloom. It's not a debilitating cloud but it is yucky. I spent my entire vacation with the flu and it was awful. Returning to work (which sometimes feels like throwing my life into the wind and watching it vanish) has been really depressing. I accomplished nothing AND I wasn't able to enjoy my time off. Additionally we noticed that Bozzy (our dog, our boy, our baby) has gum disease and he just had surgery (which was super expensive) but for the past while all I've been able to think about is how much pain he might be in, what might happen to him, what we needed to do about it. So there's my sob story. Great, positive way to start the year.

The reality is that I've been reminding myself quite emphatically "LIVE! Seize the moment, enjoy now!" But myself has been overcome by gloomy emotions and the now has been trapped in the systematic which oddly enough from my viewpoint resembles what life must have looked life for the tin man. Why must emotion continually rule my life?

Pep talk time: I'm not longer sick. Bozzy is recovering from surgery and has a clean, healing mouth. I can't lament the loss of my vacation... it is in the past. Work is helping me to get out of debt; it provides me with food and a pretty high quality life. I can... I must... I am determined to find delight in all the little things.

First Conquest of 2011

After concluding that accomplishment is not the ultimate goal; progress, process, life is what matters; after succumbing to this truth (and I dare call it that) I've been ridiculously unmotivated. (Being incredibly ill for the entire week of my holiday vacation hasn't entirely helped lift my spirits and put a fire beneath me) Due to this lack of balance and inability to step forth and grab life by the horns I've resolved to dedicate a small bit of the month of January to organizing the bedroom.

I'm hesitant to acquire anything new. The responsibility of stuff overwhelms me beyond words. But the monstrous collection of things that currently surround me need to be either maintained and treated with the proper respect or dispensed of. The quest has been put forth. I shall clean, organize, discard, grant a breath of fresh air to our home, stumble upon fond memories, operate responsibly, and when the month is over (despite what little or what lot has been accomplished) my conquest will have been realized.

And so I remind myself that the consuming life we lead here in the grand States of America requires responsibility in so many facets. Is the stuff worth the breath expelled, the life wasted, the time required at it's expense? I shall find out. (but I dare say I doubt it)