I sometimes think all the other trees are jealous of the birches

Yesterday there was a funeral. It was like funerals are: sad and thought provoking. I got home, felt quite nauseous, tired, depressed, a little angry and unmotivated. A thought crossed my mind that a nice long walk would be good. Then a thought crossed my mind that sleep would be so much better. I've been sleeping WAY to much lately. I was drawn mostly to sleep but I made a conscious decision to do the opposite of what every part of me was shouting for and to instead do what that little tiny voice in my heart was speaking. I put on my walking shoes and (what I thought to be) warm clothes and I headed out.

At first there was so much going on in my mind that it was difficult even to think. I mean my thoughts were difficult even for me to follow. My stomach hurt. I'd tension everywhere. I was angry at death and burdened by life. And then I heard the birds. They were singing their songs perched upon twigs and branches all along the pathway I followed. I decided that I would focus on the world surrounding me and that I would pause for a moment from my crazy thoughts just to look and to listen. I noticed spectacular trees some with awesome twisted trunks from decades of strong beach winds (I've seen them many times before and I'm in love with them). Some with incredible bark strewn with texture and color too numerous to speak of. There are so many amazing things in this world that we'll never notice unless we consciously look. I listened to squirrels rustling through blankets of leaves on the forest floor. I heard my shoes making music on gravel, snow, leaves (my favorite is the sound of walking on helicopters). I smiled as I always do at the birch trees and their white clothing. I sometimes think all the other trees are jealous of the birches. And then I arrived at the lake. It peeked up over the grassy dune and I smiled and I truly believe audibly announced, "Hello old friend!" Yes, I am a freak and I do speak out loud to things like Lake Michigan. I am always ALWAYS comforted by simply viewing the lake. Walking alongside the breath taking immense body of water, yesterday smooth and calm with a blanket of sparkles in the middle where the sun was reflecting on tiny rustles I felt peace that I've been missing for a long time.

Viewing the lake, being there in it's presence, feeling the wind upon my skin, smelling the beach, gazing upon the trees and listening to the sounds of woodland creatures going about their business... I remember at one point even looking upon a piece of trash (there was a lot of junk everywhere) and thinking, "why is everything so difficult for me? Life is truly TRULY so spectacular and fragile. Every last moment should be cherished not wasted."

Today I decided to do the opposite as well. I woke up with my puppies at 4:30 am on the dot. I fed the starving  animals and let them outside and then I had to make the dreaded decision: be alive, face life, begin the day OR return to sleep. Everything within me was calling for sleep (which I in no way need more of) but I summoned up a bit of strength and declared that I would indeed listen to that tiny voice in my heart once more, I would in fact begin the day. I sat down with a book (as I've been sadly neglecting reading lately) and relished the morning moments that I do truly love but have been avoiding. I do want to live.

Sea shells

I spent one hour outside yesterday and I feel so revived. My neck hurts really badly from raking but I want to do it again today. It was so wonderful to breath the fresh air, clean up the front flower beds, get dirt under my nails and in my finger prints again. I'm happy that my muscles are a little sore from being used again. I loved smelling the grass and leaves and pine and sap. The sun shone on my face for the whole hour and being out doors was absolutely invigorating.

Right before I came inside after I put away all the yard tools and dragged the yard waste can back to the garage I decided to sweep up the broken stucco that's been collecting along the driveway at the foundation of the house. The broken bits of stucco sounded just like breaking sea shells. (I'm not entirely sure how I know what breaking sea shells sound like but the stucco sounded exactly like sea shells) It was one of the most beautiful sounds I've heard. I swept the stucco from the front of the house to the back and onto a shovel to transfer to the trash all the while listening to the sound of crackling sea shells... music, natural, wonderful, beautiful music twinkling all the while.

I'm glad I decided to sweep up the stucco before going inside.

Hybernation

I'm pretty sure I've been hibernating for the past few months at least. This year is flying by and I don't remember it happening. I've totally been operating in robot mode. It sucks but I've found that at least for me it takes alot of effort to live. I mean to consciously be increasing, experiencing life and to be effected by the world around me. It takes a lot of effort.

I haven't blogged for a month. I haven't really experienced life apart from work, sleep, and grouchiness for a month. I have been putting all my energy into fighting; fighting food addiction and money irresponsibility but I feel that there should at least be a little bit of energy left for living life.

I feel compelled to list the few observations that have sparked life in me over the past couple of days.

1. A box danced in an open truck bed. The truck drove down the highway at speeds of 75mph. The empty little box jumped up and twirled catching a brief glimpse of the world surrounding. Then fell back into the confinement. Again it jumped, danced, fell. Again. And again. I watched, delighted by it's playfulness and the fact that it didn't fly out of the truck during it's bursts into the open air. The game continued for several minutes until I realized that at any moment the box could in fact come flying at me. Sadly as soon as I came to this realization the box did too. It made one last leep and flew from it's home. The little guy landed smack dab in the middle of the highway and sat there, motionless, alone, but free. I enjoyed the spectacle and then felt bad for the lost box. I hate how I have such emotion for motionless things. But for some reason that little episode delighted me (until it's harshly realistic culmination).

2. I saw a man with a HUGE nose at meijer. He was almost tall, maybe 60ish years of age with brown hair (probably dyed), and more on the skinny side than anything, kind of lanky. His nose was enormous and I loved it. I thought to myself if I was that man I'd be so proud of my nose. I looked at him, smiled immensely. The smile filled all of me. I love those smiles, the ones that take over your entire self, when you're no longer smiling simply with your face but with your whole entire being. It wasn't a laughter, haha funny smile. It was a smile of pure joy. I wish you could have seen that man with that nose. It wasn't even awkward. It was huge and so him. Like he would have been an entirely different person without that nose. He needed that nose to be who he is. Then I realized his childhood must have been hell. He probably hates his nose. Or maybe the fact that I took one look at him and loved his nose meant the total opposite, maybe he loves his nose. Maybe if he didn't love his nose as much as he does I wouldn't have been so enraptured and delighted by it.

3. One day I was working and there were these sporadic little circles of old people stopped all over the store conversing and visiting and enjoying each other. It was a little odd. Like a planned event, even though it was nothing of the sort. Normally groups of 4 or more people just standing there talking taking up the aisle would annoy me but that day it was neat seeing all those different groups of old folks enjoying each others company. I liked it.

4. I love St. Patricks Day. For the past three years (at least) I've read a book called "St. Patrick of Ireland" by Philip Freeman every St. Patricks week. I'm currently reading it again. This year I decided I needed a St. Patricks Day mix tape (on CD of course). I woke up at 4am put on my emeraldyest green shirt and made my mix tape and listened to it all day, all 24 songs 3 times each. It was fabulous!

And so despite my recent state of hybernation and glumyness there have been a few moments of life. Today I think I'm going to rake the leaves in the front yard. I LOVE being outdoors and I really like yard work. So I'll just make that number 5 on the list.