I've been putting this off because there are too many words and I haven't a proper order for them all to go. However I NEED to write. So please bare with me.
I'm in this very particular season and it's looking to be a VERY long one rather like a really long harsh cold winter that you know will end, it has to end but in the mean time there's nothing you can do about it but survive, make the most of it, just keep waking up and facing the cold dark days.
I want it to be spring (spiritually speaking). I want to go to Guatemala and pray... oh how I dream of strolling along flower mountain and praying. I want to breath in the ashy aroma, look upon the beautiful faces, speak broken Spanish, build homes and hand out food. I want to be there with the people. I want to LIVE, to have a purpose, to feel alive.
I'd also REALLY like to add a little one to our family. It hurts, it shouldn't, but it really REALLY hurts every time I hear the news of blessing in other people's families. That blessing seems so far off for me. I mean light years away and it hurts in a way I can't put words to. I really just want to sleep, to hibernate through the winter until it's my time.
I know what time it is. It's time to put down stronger roots. It's time to grow. It's time to be responsible and hard working, to look forward with joyful anticipation to those blessings TO COME. But it's not time right now to realize the blessing. I'm not just being negative. I know this. I'm in a season, a cold wintry season of paying off debt. This is a season of growing up and taking responsibly for my life. This is a season of doing whats right even though it's not fun. God is on my side. He's directing me and giving me the strength to progress through the battle but this season sucks. I don't like it. I don't want to be in the trenches. I want to be where the victory is, where the spoils are, where there is rejoicing and joy is tangible.
Lately I've been sleeping, ALOT! I haven't wanted to do anything. I wake up, I make money, I try not to spend money and I pay bills and debt. That's what needs to be done right now. I can't travel. I can't fix up the home. I can't bring a little one into this world with no money to support it. I can't really even justify spending money to socialize. There is an end to this madness... far off in the distance, but in the meantime I'm having a very difficult time handling the cold and the dark. I just don't want to... yeah, I don't want to ANYTHING.
I was praying. I said God what is wrong with me? What do I do? AHHHHH!!! He says, make the most of the season you're in. Enjoy the beauty of the snow. Sip hot cocoa and snuggle in blankets. Marvel when the cloud covering breaks for a moment at the beauty of the sunny sky or the sparkling of the magnificent stars. (this is all metaphorically speaking... but I think you get the point). It's been about 4 days since we had this conversation. I'm still bumming around but I know that I need to break out of this ungrateful funk. I know that I need to grab life by the horns and live. If it's winter, there's nothing you can do about it except sulk and whine OR just enjoy it. It's your choice. It's my choice. I'm so sick of being tired, cold, and feeling trapped. But my winter isn't ending anytime soon. I think I'm going to get some hot cocoa.
